i find myself praying to God almost every night. people underestimate the power of praying, to be honest it’s done a lot for me, probably a lot more than you can imagine and if i told you why and how you probably wouldn’t believe me, so maybe i should just keep it to myself. i’m not battling depression but sometimes i do question my existence, my purpose. i do realize i need to find a reason myself but i have no encouragement, sometimes i feel like dying because i have no purpose, sometimes i feel worthless.
“speak no feelings no i don’t believe you, you don’t care a bit” whenever i hear that line from hide and seek i burst out crying
#1
forgetting, being forgotten. so easily spoken in conversation, so hard to live in reality. such close relationships, such broken bonds. all meaning lost, all memories gone. how do we manage to move along? photos, they remind us of the old times, some good memories, some bad. i find they only bring misery to me, we are always longing for the past, we are always wanting to be younger. we mourn the golden days of dirt and chalk but have no optimism for the gravel path before us. i don’t want to be forgotten, even if i have to follow you to prevent it. i’m so broken
being with you made me feel like everything was back to normal, because you acted like you did two summers ago, it was refreshing. you gave me such a significant hope that maybe we could be friends again. i missed being friends. that’s all i wanted, i love you so much but how could i ask for anything more than just being friends. but when i was with you a week later, something made me realize just how much more i deserve and just how much you shouldn’t mean to me. you’re nothing special and if you don’t treat me how i deserve to be treated, then you don’t mean anything to me. we’ve been through so much that i can’t bring myself to want you anymore, to long for you to message me that one time a month or beg for me. i can’t bring myself to cry about you anymore, i’m over it and for the first time ever, i mean it. i’ve lost all interest and i’ve never been so happy, i just hope i never see you again, it was fun while it lasted but you’ve brought nothing but pain stress and depression upon me or two years. in forgetting you, i love myself.
i’m having one of those days where everything seems like it’s going wrong. i saw you today for the first time in a long time and i turned around. i don’t think i did it because i was nervous or it was weird seeing you, i did it because i didn’t know what my heart would do or how i would react physically. i didn’t want to break down right there but i did run to the bathroom and cry. why does it hurt me to see you smiling? why am i not smiling? i didn’t deserve any of this..
i like the way that you talk dirty
when the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch your skin
